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SysAdminHumor

Différence (depuis la version majeure précédente) (modification mineure)

Modifié: 3,5c3


There are four major species of Unix sysad:
There are four major species of Unix sysadmin:

Modifié: 12c10
HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR?

Modifié: 16c14
:TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.
:TECHNICAL THUG Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

Modifié: 18c16
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

Modifié: 21,22c19,20
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;

Modifié: 24c22
:IDIOT:
:IDIOT:

Modifié: 26c24,26




# cat `du -s * sort -rn head -1 awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` compress
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress



Ajouté: 27a28
SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage.



Modifié: 29c30


SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

Modifié: 31,41c32
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor
processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more
than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending
processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production
database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much
to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses
CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions,
thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek
freaks.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

Modifié: 43,44c34,40



MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww
sort -rn +8 -9 head -1 awk '{print $2}'`
:MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

:IDIOT:

# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`


Modifié: 46,47c42



IDIOT:
# compress -f `ps -augxww
sort -rn +8 -9 head -1 awk '{print $2}'`




Ajouté: 48a44
SITUATION: New account creation.



Modifié: 50c46


SITUATION: New account creation. ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

Modifié: 52,58c48
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home
directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places
entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT
with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to
handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over
the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts
are ever created.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

Modifié: 60,63c50
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd.
Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever
fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are
ever created.
:MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."

Modifié: 65,67c52,54
MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own
account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn
sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."
:IDIOT:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd

Modifié: 69,71c56
IDIOT:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd




Ajouté: 72a58
SITUATION: Root disk fails.



Modifié: 74c60


SITUATION: Root disk fails. ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.

Modifié: 76,80c62
TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair
filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles
microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary
boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run
over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.

Modifié: 82,84c64
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who
broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified
and charged for the equipment.
:MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS.

Modifié: 86,92c66
MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses
sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens
pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and
reinstall the OS.
MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen
hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets.
Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.
:MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-pen hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.

Modifié: 94c68
IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
:IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.

Ajouté: 95a70




Modifié: 97c72


SITUATION: Poor network response. ----------------
SITUATION: Poor network response.



Modifié: 99,101c74
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then
rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs
shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.

Modifié: 103,105c76
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd.
Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network
quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.

Modifié: 107,108c78
MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and
waits for connections to time out.
:MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for connections to time out.

Modifié: 110,111c80,81
IDIOT:
# compress -f /dev/en0
:IDIOT:
# compress -f /dev/en0

Ajouté: 112a83




Modifié: 114c85


SITUATION: User questions. ----------------
SITUATION: User questions.



Modifié: 116,118c87
TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer
new users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the
new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answernew users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.

Modifié: 120,122c89
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd.
Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance,
often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.

Modifié: 124,125c91
MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes
barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.
:MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes arters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.

Modifié: 127,128c93
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until
the user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.
:IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge untilthe user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.

Ajouté: 129a95




Modifié: 131c97


SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions. ----------------
SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions.



Modifié: 133,134c99
TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix,
and/or French until user gives up and goes away.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, nd/or French until user gives up and goes away.

Modifié: 136,138c101
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can
present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the
machine.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user canpresent documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.

Modifié: 140,143c103,104
MANIAC:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc
alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo? ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc'
^D
:MANIAC:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo? ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc' ^D

Modifié: 145,146c106
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge.
Recruits user to system administration team.
:IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to system administration team.

Ajouté: 147a108




Modifié: 149c110


SITUATION: Process accounting management. ----------------
SITUATION: Process accounting management.



Modifié: 151,152c112
TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts
scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.

Modifié: 154,155c114
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to
accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.

Modifié: 157c116
MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
:MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.

Modifié: 159,160c118,119
IDIOT:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
:IDIOT:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact

Ajouté: 161a121




Modifié: 163c123


SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V. ----------------
SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V.



Modifié: 165c125
TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
:TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.

Modifié: 167,168c127
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who
use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.

Modifié: 170,171c129
MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes
run quickly.
:MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run quickly.

Modifié: 173,174c131,132
IDIOT:
# cd c:
:IDIOT:
# cd c:

Ajouté: 175a134




Modifié: 177c136


SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX ----------------
SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX



Modifié: 179c138
TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.

Modifié: 181,182c140
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS,
but loves the jackboots.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.

Modifié: 184,185c142
MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well
how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
:MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...

Modifié: 187c144
IDIOT: AIX.
:IDIOT: AIX.

Ajouté: 188a146




Modifié: 190c148


SITUATION: Balky printer daemons. ----------------
SITUATION: Balky printer daemons.



Modifié: 192c150
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.

Modifié: 194,196c152
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd.
Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get
user who submitted the most recent job fired.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job fired.

Modifié: 198,200c154
MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all
the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour
from cron.
:MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.

Modifié: 202,203c156,157
IDIOT:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
:IDIOT:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &

Ajouté: 204a159




Modifié: 206c161


SITUATION: OS upgrade. ----------------
SITUATION: OS upgrade.



Modifié: 208,209c163
TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only
what he likes.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only what he likes.

Modifié: 211,212c165
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor
for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.

Modifié: 214,220c167,173
MANIAC:
# uptime
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31
# wall
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
^D
:MANIAC:
# uptime
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31
# wall
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
^D

Modifié: 222,223c175,176
IDIOT:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
:IDIOT:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix

Ajouté: 224a178




Modifié: 226c180


SITUATION: Balky mail. ----------------
SITUATION: Balky mail.



Modifié: 228,231c182
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites
sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks
kernel to implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in
assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
:TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to ...

Modifié: 233,235c184
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks
accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that
people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.

Modifié: 237,245c186,194


MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww
grep sendmail awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D
:MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D

Modifié: 247,248c196,197

IDIOT:
# echo "HELP!"
mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF2014-12-22 22:14:09
:IDIOT:
# echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF2014-12-22 22:14:09

Ajouté: 249a199




Modifié: 251c201


SITUATION: Users want phone list application. ----------------
SITUATION: Users want phone list application.



Modifié: 253,254c203
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users
give up and go back to post-it notes.
:TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

Modifié: 256,257c205
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to
post-it notes.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

Modifié: 259,261c207
MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way
God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go
back to post-it notes.
:MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

Modifié: 263,264c209,210

IDIOT:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7
grep "Fred"
:IDIOT:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"

Ajouté: 265a212




Modifié: 267c214
-- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic @@

OTHER GUIDELINES:




Effacé: 269d215
OTHER GUIDELINES:

Ajouté: 270a217
TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE:



Modifié: 272c219


TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE: ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a perl script, rewrites itself.

Modifié: 274,275c221,223
TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the
output of a perl script, rewrites itself.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
umask 777
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'

Modifié: 277,279c225,229
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
umask 777
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'
:MANIAC: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'

Modifié: 281,285c231,236


MANIAC: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww
grep \!* awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
:IDIOT: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls
alias era rm
alias kitty cat
alias process_table ps
setenv DISPLAY vt100

Modifié: 287,292c238
IDIOT: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls
alias era rm
alias kitty cat
alias process_table ps
setenv DISPLAY vt100




Ajouté: 293a240
HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:



Modifié: 295c242


HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .

Modifié: 297,299c244
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest.
Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual
reality .
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.

Modifié: 301,303c246
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs.
Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations.
Listens to police band.
:MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.

Modifié: 305,307c248
MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office.
Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone
conversations. Jams police band.
:IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.

Modifié: 309,310c250
IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral
converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.




Ajouté: 311a252
HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:



Modifié: 313c254


HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.

Modifié: 315,317c256
TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs
out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick
up Birkenstock MOTAS.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein Kampf_. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.

Modifié: 319,322c258
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein
Kampf_. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver.
Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to
pick up dominatrixes.
:MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .

Modifié: 324,328c260
MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully
attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say
"virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey,
Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and
tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .
:IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.

Modifié: 330,332c262
IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them.
Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often
succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.




Ajouté: 333a264
1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:



Modifié: 335c266


1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.

Modifié: 337,338c268
TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's
book.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he liked Tipper.

Modifié: 340,341c270
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only
because he liked Tipper.
:MANIAC: Frank Zappa.

Modifié: 343c272
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
:IDIOT: Perot.

Modifié: 345c274
IDIOT: Perot.




Ajouté: 346a276
1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:



Modifié: 348c278


1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ----------------
:TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.

Modifié: 350c280
TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
:ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.

Modifié: 352c282
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
:MANIAC: Frank Zappa.

Modifié: 354c284
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
:IDIOT: Quayle.

Modifié: 356c286
IDIOT: Quayle.




Ajouté: 357a288
COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:



Modifié: 359c290
-- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic -- Cmic @@
:TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.

Modifié: 361c292
COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:
:TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.

Ajouté: 362a294
:TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an "rm -rf /".

Modifié: 364,366c296
TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to
prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system
resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.
:FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.

Modifié: 368,370c298,299
TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring
the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords.
Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.
:FASCISTIC IDIOT:
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd

Modifié: 372,373c301
TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or
later do an "rm -rf /".
:MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.

Modifié: 375,377c303
FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether
real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain
detectors and Halon system.
Humour by Stephan Zielinski

Effacé: 379,380d304
FASCISTIC IDIOT:
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd

Modifié: 382,383c306
MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
-Stephan Zielinski




Effacé: 385d307
--

Effacé: 397d318


KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR-- A FIELD GUIDE

There are four major species of Unix sysadmin:

  1. The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
  2. The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.
  3. The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
  4. The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR?

SITUATION: Low disk space.

TECHNICAL THUG Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

MANIAC:
 # cd /home 
 # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;  

IDIOT:
 # cd /home
 # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress 

SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage.

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

MANIAC:
 # kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9  | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'` 

IDIOT:

 # compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9  | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'` 

SITUATION: New account creation.

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."

IDIOT:
 # cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
 # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd

SITUATION: Root disk fails.

TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.

MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS.

MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-pen hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.

IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.

SITUATION: Poor network response.

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.

MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for connections to time out.

IDIOT:
 # compress -f /dev/en0

SITUATION: User questions.

TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answernew users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.

MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes arters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.

IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge untilthe user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.

SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions.

TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, nd/or French until user gives up and goes away.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user canpresent documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.

MANIAC:
 # cat >> ~luser/.cshrc alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo? ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc' ^D

IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to system administration team.

SITUATION: Process accounting management.

TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.

MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.

IDIOT:
 # lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact

SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V.

TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.

MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run quickly.

IDIOT:
 # cd c:

SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX

TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.

MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...

IDIOT: AIX.

SITUATION: Balky printer daemons.

TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job fired.

MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.

IDIOT:
 # kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &

SITUATION: OS upgrade.

TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only what he likes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.

MANIAC:
 # uptime
 1:33pm  up 19 days, 22:49,  167 users,  load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31
 # wall
 Well, it's upgrade time.  Should take a few hours.  And good luck on that
 5:00 deadline, guys!  We're all pulling for you!
 ^D

IDIOT:
 # dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix

SITUATION: Balky mail.

TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to ...

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.

MANIAC:
 # kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'` 
 # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
 # wall
 Mail is down.  Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
 ^D
 # write max
 I've got my boots and backpack.  Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
 ^D

IDIOT:
 # echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF2014-12-22 22:14:09

SITUATION: Users want phone list application.

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

IDIOT:
 % dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"

OTHER GUIDELINES:

TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE:

TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a perl script, rewrites itself.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
 umask 777
 alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'

MANIAC: Typical lines include:
 alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
 alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
 alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
 alias renice 'echo Renice\?  You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'

IDIOT: Typical lines include:
 alias dir ls
 alias era rm
 alias kitty cat
 alias process_table ps
 setenv DISPLAY vt100

HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.

MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.

IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.

HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:

TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein Kampf_. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.

MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .

IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.

1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:

TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he liked Tipper.

MANIAC: Frank Zappa.

IDIOT: Perot.

1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:

TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.

MANIAC: Frank Zappa.

IDIOT: Quayle.

COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:

TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.

TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.

TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an "rm -rf /".

FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.

FASCISTIC IDIOT:
 # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd

MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.

Humour by Stephan Zielinski


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